I continue to amaze myself. No, not in a good way this time, so don’t get your underwear in a bunch. Today my boss was gone and I was left to occupy myself for about 5 hours. In the space of five hours I somehow only accomplished one thing. One thing!!! How is that possible? I mean, it’s not as if I had a mountain of work to complete, but there were papers that needed to be written, things that needed to be posted online, people that needed to be interviewed, etc. I’m not pissed at myself, really. I’m just trying to figure out how I spent my time at work. I’m not sure if I’m accurate in saying this, but I’m pretty sure that I am the only person who could make nothing last five hours.
Okay, so now that that’s out of the way, on to some good news, nay, great news! I went to the campus “convenience store” (I’m sorry, but a convenience store is supposed to be convenient. I swear, the people who run that place lie awake at night thinking of ways keep the place from being convenient. Closing at 5 p.m. is unacceptable!!) and there, in the refrigerated section, under the milk was a stick on SALAMI! And not the crappy Oscar-Meyer salami, but the real, dry, imported, Genoa goo salami! I can’t even describe how ridiculously happy seeing salami made me today. It actually borders on the embarrassing, but not quite 
Genoa Salami!!!!
Now it’s story time. I’m going to tell you the fairy tale of “The Fucking Annoying Roommate”: Once upon a time, there was a boy named “Cristobal”. One day, “Cristobal” got his annoying ass pushed out the second floor window. To everyone it looked like an accident; the window was open, and “Cristobal” had a bad habit of leaning out the window as if people wanted to look at his fugly-ass face. Only The Roommate knew the truth: “Cristobal’s” annoying ass had been pushed out of the second floor window by none other than The Roommate himself.
“Muahahahah,” laughed the clever roommate, “Everyone thinks that ‘Cristobal’s’ annoying ass fell out of the window but they didn’t know my clever plan to finally get peace in this room. Not only did ‘Cristobal’ play his obnoxious ringtone at 6 a.m. when I didn’t have to be awake until 8 or 9, but he exercised in the middle of our tiny room when I was obviously trying to clean, with his annoying ass in the way as I tried to vacuum. And that’s not even all of it! He watched ‘Dancing With the Stars’ while I worked on articles for the newspaper and, for some reason, felt obligated to critique the ’stars’ as they danced across the stage trying to move themselves from C-List celebrity to B-List. None of this would have been nearly as annoying to me if “Cristobal’s” annoying ass wasn’t as vain as he was. Really, with a face like that, what was there to be vain about? His annoying ass spelled ‘plateau’ as ‘plato’ and spelled ‘accidentally’ as ‘aksidently.’ He thought he had the hottest body this side of Brad Pitt (circa Fight Club) despite the disgusting layer of thick black hair that covered his entire body,” said the clever roommate, “seriously, the first time I saw him in shorts, I thought he was wearing black socks.” The clever roommate was never caught for his act of brilliance and, in fact, all of other suitemates were glad not to have “Cristobal’s” annoying ass around anymore. And everyone lived happily ever after…” I can wish can’t I?
Tom Selleck.. yum. That much hair.. gag (and not the good-ish kind).
Omgah!! Speaking of the devil (sorry for the cliche), but here comes “Cristobal’s” annoying ass… and on comes “Dancing With the Stars”.. ugh! and they’re doing some sort of Hee-Haw hick music. Fuck me now (shit, even without lube, just get me out of here).
Yeah, today wasn’t as excessively exciting as “Cristobal” is excessively hairy.
… and I’m out. meh.
